Kokoro Balance Integrative Services

The holiday season typically represents togetherness, giving and celebrating. These values are meaningful yet can also generate unspoken pressure to “say yes” to commitments that can negatively affect one’s mental and emotional well-being. For many individuals, December generates increased commitment demands, family dynamics, financial pressures, and emotional labor, creating the need for boundaries beyond just being helpful, but essential.

However, establishing boundaries during the holiday season typically results in feelings of guilt. Recognizing the cause of this guilt, and the strategies for working through it, can help to protect mental health without having feelings of selfishness or isolation.

Why Establishing Boundaries Feels More Difficult During the Holidays

Boundaries are defined as limits that protect an individual’s time, energy, and emotional health. Typically, these limits are challenged during the holiday season due to social expectations, family roles, and cultural traditions.

Research has demonstrated that social norms and expectations significantly influence behaviors during cultural events (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Many people feel pressured to meet other people’s expectations in order to remain part of a group or to prevent conflict, even if those expectations lead to emotional exhaustion.

In addition, family systems theory has indicated that when individuals return to their family environment, they tend to fall back into their usual roles, making establishing boundaries difficult or stressful (Bowen, 1978). This can be especially true for individuals who are caregivers, helpers, or seen as “peacemakers” in their families.

Recognizing the Role of Guilt in Creating Barriers to Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Guilt is a barrier that prevents people from establishing healthy boundaries more often than any other emotion. Often, guilt is caused by internalized beliefs including:

“If I say ‘no,’ then I’ll let someone down.”

“Good people put everyone else first.”

“I should be able to do that.”

While some guilt can serve as a signal that there is a conflict between an individual’s actions and values (Neff, 2003), excessive guilt and self-blame are associated with higher levels of anxiety, depression, and stress (Neff, 2003).

Establishing boundaries does not mean rejecting relationships; it means choosing how to engage with others in a way that is sustainable and respectful to both the individual and others.

How Healthy Holiday Boundaries Can be Established

Healthy holiday boundaries do not need to be rigid or confrontational. They are usually most successful when they are clearly communicated, calmly expressed, and consistently enforced.

Some examples of healthy holiday boundaries include:

Limiting the amount of times you participate in gatherings

Setting time limits on how long you intend to stay at an event

Setting spending limits based on your financial situation

Declining to engage in discussions or topics that are emotionally draining

Changing traditions from year to year

Studies have found that individuals who communicate their needs in a clear and respectful manner experience less stress and better psychological well-being (Deci & Ryan, 2000).

Communicating No Without Feeling Obligated to Explain

A very common phenomenon during the holiday season is feeling obligated to explain or justify the reason for your decision to establish a boundary. However, explaining your boundaries too much can inadvertently open the door for negotiations or diminish the importance of your own needs.

In most cases, simply stating your intention clearly and respectfully is all that is necessary. Examples of this include:

“That works for me this year.”

“I’m going to keep things pretty quiet this year.”

“I wish you a wonderful time, but I won’t be attending.”

Assertive Communication as a Way to Express Needs

Assertive communication is the process of expressing one’s needs while still maintaining respect for others. Studies have shown that using assertive communication in personal and relational settings can improve the quality of relationships, decrease emotional fatigue, and reduce relational distress (Alberti & Emmons, 2017).

Reframing Boundaries as Acts of Care Rather Than Disengagement

Another important shift is reframing boundaries as expressions of care rather than disconnections. When you honor your boundaries you are:

Decreasing resentment

Saving your emotional energy

Being more authentic

Modeling healthy behavior for others

From a mental health perspective, boundaries assist in reducing burnout and improving emotional regulation (especially during high demand periods such as the holiday season) (Maslach & Leiter, 2016).

Navigating the Holidays with Purpose and Clarity

The holidays do not need to involve continuous availability or sacrifice to be meaningful. Making conscious choices about where and how you spend your time, energy, and emotions allows for more presence, authenticity, and emotional stability.

If you continue to feel guilty after establishing healthy boundaries during the holidays, it could be beneficial to explore this further with a mental health professional. A mental health professional can help identify and clarify your values, roles, and expectations, allowing you to navigate the holiday season with greater confidence and compassion towards yourself.